Missing Out

Mary Anne Smith is my mother-in-law.  Some would take issue with my verb tense, as she died a few short months after this picture was taken.  Zane is a newly-minted one year old here, but a few days from now, we'll celebrate his 8th birthday.  No matter how much time passes, she will always be my mother-in-law--fiesty, funny, so very talented, and one of the most fiercely loyal people I will ever know.  

But time has passed, and she has missed so much since she's been gone.  Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, family dinners.  But more important than that, she never got to meet her two youngest boy's wives.  Never got to see them married.  Settled.  Happy in their life choices.  She wasn't able to be there when Alana was born.  Or Ava.  She met Zane and Ella, but didn't get to see the joy they have brought us all as they grow, or see Gabe's gawky teenage phase.  Her grandchildren brought her immeasurable joy.  She still lit up when she saw, talked to, laughed with and cajoled her children.   She has missed so very much.

And we have missed so much.  So much to laugh about, so much advice, knowledge, and experience to glean, so many recipes to share and projects to do.  So many holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries to enjoy together.  In the month before she died, she told me very clearly, "I'm not sad or worried about dying, but I'm going to miss THIS..."-- her family, our relationships, our lives together as a big, crazy, occasionally dysfunctional family.  We have missed her desperately in "this," but how could we ever wish her back?  She is without pain.  She is not suffering.  She is healed.

I've never understood people who want their loved ones to be watching over them in heaven.  Why in the world would you want someone in Paradise to look down and see us in our screwed up mess of a world?  I'm not sure when the whole going-up-to-heaven thing happens, but when she gets there, I know that Mary Anne is focused on what really matters more than anything--being with and worshiping Jesus in a new and amazing way.  We have missed her desperately, and she has missed some things here.  But really, I think we're the ones missing out on the amazing new life that she started living those seven years ago.  We can fill her in on all of  "this"  when we see her again.